I am not a morning person. I am a horrid bitch for the first hour of the morning. I am fond of my morning routine. Get up, have a smoke, make coffee, shit, drink coffee, eat breakfast, drink more coffee, have another smoke, then I’m good for whatever. I DO NOT DEVIATE FROM THIS ROUTINE.

However. If my bf decides he wants to have sex BEFORE I wake up, and by the time I wake up we’re more than halfway through, well that’s fine. Just not AFTER I wake up.

UGH.

(And no morning kissing for the love of god. Not even a little bit. I once had a friend tell me morning kissing was ok if you both have morning breath. I have come to realise he was full of shit. Or he liked the taste of rancid garbage. In any case, not my thing guys.)

For example, this  past year:

For breakfast I have 2 slices of raisin toast with 1 cup of very strong coffee.

For break I have 1 cup of coffee.

For lunch I always have 1 cup of coffee, 2 slices of rye toast with butter, white cheddar cheese, and deli sprouts (occasionally I will mix it up and add meat leftovers or avocado).

For second break I have carrots or sugar snap peas.

Dinner is usually made twice a week and I love me some leftovers.

Mmmm.

I have super thick hair that’s nearly down to my ass, so it’s like an instant headache if I try to contain it with a ponytail. Instead, I use a glorious contraption called an octopus clip:

>:(

This is disadvantageous for two very important reasons:

1) I come with a proportionately small tongue, and therefore the webbing on the bottom of my tongue is very close to my teeth which fucking sucks because I CANNOT physically get a tongue piercing. I have wanted one since I was 12 and it pisses me off that there’s nothing I can do about it.

2) ….you know, related to fellatio.

I’ve dreamt entire days before they happen. Like I’ll go to sleep on Tuesday night, dream about Wednesday, and then I get up on Wednesday thinking it’s Thursday and then Wednesday happens again and I can recite everything that happens before it happens. It’s weird, like having two YouTube windows open on the same video and everything is playing in sync but you can still tell there’s a double.

It used to really freak me out when I was a kid, but I sorta learned to roll with it.

Because honestly, I can’t be fucking bothered. And even if for some reason I do (job interview maybe?) then it’s only mascara and blush.

Unfortunately, when I was younger I used to wear a lot of it, and I was ridiculously addicted to M.A.C., so I have hundreds of dollars worth of eyeshadow, blush, lip gloss, lip stick, eyeliner and shit just collecting dust. I don’t know what to fucking do with it all.

[Edit] Look at this shit! This was like, HALF of what I have lying around.

I can’t even use any of it! When I do wear makeup it’s all neutrals. All my love for colourful makeup bled away with my shame, self-censorship, and fucks that I give.

Anytime I lie down for ANY reason, she is there and she plops down on my face. Just straight up walks right up my chest and THUMPS down on my face. Her face on my face. I don’t need to breathe, Navi, NBD NBD.

And as mentioned earlier, I think I’m allergic to peanuts, I have sensitivity to MSG, aspartame as well as food with red dye in it (all 3 give me migraines), and I’m lactose intolerant which is practically allergic.

My favourite is when I blow smoke through my nose. The smell reminds me of when I first moved out on my own. It was the middle of winter and it was steadily -40C and I’d sit up all night drinking vodka, playing video games and smoking out on my balcony.